Sam's World episode 2: Caged Jungle Cat

Sam Simmons is back and this week he's channeling his inner feline after a good show in The Garden of Unearthly Delights.

I trod in fresh vomit wearing only thongs late last Friday night as I wandered around the Garden of Unearthly Delights. I had just finished my show and had just received half a standing ovation, so it must be good. “Yeah man I’m good,” I thought to myself.

I was full of ego and raw virile power, like a caged jungle cat energised by the night.

Oh and the night was good: warm weather, the carnival atmosphere, the fairy lights, the clowns, the sexy Adeladies of the garden.

“Not even the warm vomit between my toes can stop me now!” I thought to myself.

I could have ducked off elsewhere great like the Rhino Room, Tuxedo Cat or even the kebab joint on Rundle (insert free Kebab here)

But no!!!! Because tonight I am a jungle cat prowling the circus in thongs.

“I can do anything with the nourishment of a $4.50 corn on the cob washed down with an $8 basic beer!!!” I thought to myself - I am invincible!!!!,

After having numerous young dudes jump on my back and yell out things like, “Hey you're that triple j c#*t”, I am full of self pride and adulation. I have arrived, I AM having fun I thought to myself.

By 1am I found myself leering at a female acrobat, not on purpose, but how does she do that, with that... oooohhh, she put her foot there? Wow!

I head off to the public toilets this year sponsored by a speaker brand. “Ooh oooh aahh ahh sexy eyes” is blaring through the sound system as I wipe down the urine sprayed all over the toilet seat and up the wall. Yet I am still unfazed - it’s festival time and I’m surely having fun?

“Ooh ohh aahh ahh sexy eyes - is this a sign?” I think to myself. So me and my mate go and see the man who breathes through his eyes, which is a tiny act in a bathtub in a little tent, and it’s pretty good, if you like watching men breathe through their eyes. In fact it’s really good if that’s your thing.

Over at the sideshow freak show, there is the promise of a calf with two heads and a three breasted woman.

Conundrum - should I have another reasonably priced beer?

Or should I go see a freaky cow and a two headed beast?

I choose beer. I then witness the drunkest man in the world trying to eat fairy floss.

It was revolting, amazing and sad, all rolled into one. Five stars, he should have his own tent.

After watching the drunk eat floss for another 8-10 minutes I decide it’s time to leave. I don’t know why, it’s been amazing - the freaks, the vomit, the music, the corn...wow

And the best part is I get to do it every single night for a month...

Am I having fun yet?

Sam Simmons performs his show Fail at the Bosco Theatre in The Garden of Unearthly Delights until Sat Mar 13.

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