Sam's World episode 1: Oh Adelaide

Sam Simmons is in town for the Adelaide Fringe. While he's here, he thought he'd drop us a line at Rip It Up Digital every week to let us know what's going on in his world. Here's the first installment, featuring a beef and black bean covered foot, alleged sex offenders, and Sam's favourite Adelaide memories.

Oh Adelaide... food courts and fingering...

Don’t do them in the wrong order.

Last time I was in Adelaide I was at a little all you can eat Chinese joint in the food court at the Marion shopping centre, I think it’s called Mr Wang’s Bamboo Village.  The lady had given me a plastic plate that you could stack as much as you could scoop from the Bain maree - the one rule they had was that you couldn’t return to refill your plate.

After a heap of meticulous stacking, the plate suddenly snapped in half and landed on my thonged foot.

At this point I thought, “Oh well, that’s the honey glazed chicken gone... lunch, gone!” 

I was shitty, ashamed, and ready to skulk out of the food court hungry and embarrassed.

Then the lady behind the counter at Mr Wang’s Bamboo Village giggled and called me greedy. She then proceeded to clean up the mess and gave me another plate NO CHARGE. “This would never happen in Melbourne or Sydney,” I thought to myself.

Then I noticed a weird guy standing in the corner of the food court staring at my naked thonged foot dripping with beef and black bean with a weird kinda sex pest look.

I guess if feet and food is your sex fetish fantasy, then this dude had definitely burned this moment into his retina for his weirdo wank bank.

And as I stared into his weird sex pest eyes, an overwhelming sense of Adelaide nostalgia washed over me...

 - Chewing gum and razor blades on the slide at Magic Mountain, did it ever really happen?

 - Those Cunningham’s warehouse adverts with the hillbilly Muppets and why were they hillbillies?

 - Treading in vomit on the Glenelg jetty (Glenelg being an anagram)

 - Those mighty Red Legs, those weird refrigerated yogurt slices you can only buy in supermarket dairy cases. Oh and by the way there’s a reason why you can’t buy Fruchocs interstate.

 - Being flashed by a sex offender in the Manchester section of Harris Scarfe.

 - Why not buy a crap house art tea towel at the rundle street market?

 - Or maybe some weird lesbian pottery from the foothills?

 - And don’t forget to grab a bratwurst in Hahndorf!!!  Wow look!! It’s just like Germany but with Bogans.

 - Fingering in the disabled toilet at that cinema off Rundle Street that closed down that used to have orange carpet on the walls.

 - Having never ever dropped in for a pie floater.

 - Joyrene’s frock salon.... “lovely for ladies”

 - Seeing a really old man’s goolies at Christies beach Caravan Park.

 - Patsy Biscoe

 - Humphrey B Bear

 - PETER COOMBE - “toffee apple nice and licky one for Judy one for Nicky” NICE AND LICKY???

And then, rather suddenly the pervert who I thought  was staring at my Mr Wang’s Bamboo Village foot,  told me to stop staring at him with my nostalgic Adelaide eyes, he called me a freak and shuffled off to Hungry Jacks.

Oh Adelaide...I am home.

Sam Simmons performs his show Fail at the Bosco Theatre in The Garden of Unearthly Delights from Fri Feb 12 - Sat Mar 13. For more Unearthly business, pick up a copy of this week's Rip It Up, featuring Josh Thomas on the cover.

CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-NEWSLETTER!